Friday, October 7, 2011

That look

I have made a good friend at work. She is starting the journey I am on. She described a look that I have seen from Grace. I never knew how to describe it, but talking to her, seeing the tears that I had felt... I knew. I told her, "that look is full of hate." I need to tell her how she helped me understand my own experience.

The look of venom ... it hurt at first, but I understand it now. She is locked inside a world that lies to her, that tricks her, that promises visitors that never come. She wakes up to a place she can't remember. Yes, the look is hate. But it's not at me. She hates that she can't release her fear and despair. She can't process what she sees. She looks at me briefly, then closes her eyes as they roll away from me.

If I stop and give her a kiss on her forehead, the hate melts and she looks at me. She makes eye contact and she smiles. She says "thank you, sweetie" or "I love you, sweetie."

Life with Grace can be a roller coaster, but I don't regret having her at my house. I never have. She makes me a better person. She makes me strong. She is teaching me to rise above the details and see the big picture. She strengthens my faith.

I brought her to my house to help her and fulfill a promise to my father. I never knew how much she'd help me.

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